Reporter / Ask Konrad the Barbarian

I ghost penned this column for the Sablean Times quite some time ago, so I feel it is now safe to come clean with this little secret. Writing each issue was a huge amount of fun for me, and I hope for all the readers as well!

Issue #6

                        Ask Konrad the Barbarian

I've just finished my grand tour of Thrace and I think it'll be the
first destination I cover in my upcoming new travel guide series
entitled: "Konrad Tells You Where To Go".  Catchy, eh?

But for now, let's get to the business at hand, good ol' practical

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DEAR KONRAD: I'm wondering if not wearing any underwear will affect
the size of my penis?  --No Underwear & My Penis

DAMMIT, NO PENIS: If'n yer worrying about it, then you obviously don't
have enough to really be worryin' about, if ya get my meaning.  You
must be an elf.  And a mage.  Stop embarassing yerself in public.
Using an illusion spell just ain't gonna pass muster with the ladies.

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DEAR KONRAD: I'm a young, buxom swordswoman.  None of the men I ask
will be honest with me.  Will platemail make my butt look big?
--Puzzled in Plate

DAMMIT, PUZZLED: What am I, some sort of metallurgical fashion
consultant?  Who cares what yer butt looks like when yer wearin' armor?
All that matters is what it looks like when it's parked in my bed after
a hard day of fighting back-to-back surrounded by thousands of blood
thirsty hordes.  In fact, you might want to take advantage of my newly
created private consultation service.  If so, then drop me a line via
the post office and I'll be happy to stop by yer bedchamber to evalute
the cut of yer jib.

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DEAR KONRAD: Is it true that the Gossip Queen is a man?
-- Gossip Hungry

DAMMIT, HUNGRY: Are you people just tryin' ta bait me into saying
something against my esteemed collegue the Gossip Queen for whom I
have nothing but the utmost professional respect?  This is *MY* column,
but for some reason you people keep sending me questions about *HER*.
Now git with the program.  Don't make me hafta hunt you down and hurt
ya with a sharp pointy stick.  Remember, cranial-rectal-co-location is
a *BAD* thing.

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That's all the advice I have for now, so keep those swords sharp!
Send your insignificant questions and pleas for the wisdom of Konrad
via the Post Office to Editor with a subject of: Ask Konrad.