I ghost penned this column for the Sablean Times quite some time ago, so I feel it is now safe to come clean with this little secret. Writing each issue was a huge amount of fun for me, and I hope for all the readers as well!
Ask Konrad the Barbarian
I've been hearing a lot more grunting around Sable lately, and I'm proud
of you all for taking my words of advice to heart. Live like a true
warrior, die like a true warrior, and above all GRUNT LOUDLY! If the
Aether doesn't rattle from your battle cries and oaths, you ain't making
anybody proud of ya.
Enough of empty boxes of soap, straight on to the advice...
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DEAR KONRAD: I have a real problem. My biceps and chest are too big for
my platemail to fit over. Which isn't too big of a thing. Its the fact
that when I go out on one of my drunken fighting sprees I tend to get
lots of orcish blood on me. Which isn't really the problem either. Its
the fact that all the dryads who want to crawl into my bed afterwards
complain about getting it into their hair and whatever other pansy
shit they gripe about. I usually don't listen to em too much. I just
hear em talking and I stop paying attention to anything but their
boobs. Anyway, whats the best way to tell a dryad to stop whining about
a little blood from battle and still be able to get her best friend to
join in the fun? --Bloody Dude
DAMMIT, DUDE: I've always wanted to say that, thanks for the opportunity.
Now for the advice... Look, just because yer a big, brutish, drunken
fella doesn't mean ya can't take a bath once in a while. The obvious
joys of drunken frenzies aside, once the battle rage wears off even I
myself like to peel off my blood-soaked armor and enjoy a nice hot soak
and a good rub down. Follow it up with an all-over coating of body oil
and the women'll have no complaints!
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DEAR KONRAD: Gossip about town says that you and the Gossip Queen are
dating. Is that true? --Neighborhood Gossip
DAMMIT, NEIGHBORHOOD: You must have been born with a dried mushroom for
a brain! From what I hear, the Gossip Queen can't even LIFT a sword let
alone wield it properly. Does that sound like someone I'd date? No!
Besides, if we WERE dating, everyone would know about it. It's not like
us barbarians are a subtle or quiet lot. *GRUNT*GRUNT*
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DEAR KONRAD: I heard you and the Gossip Queen are the same person. Is
that true? --Rumor Monger
DAMMIT, MONGER: Are you people all insane? If it were true, then according
to Neighborhood, I'd be dating MYSELF! Not even a fighter is THAT stupid.
You and Neighborhood should get together and reconcile your rumors. I'd
suggest a nice private room beneath the lighthouse with lots of adult
beverages and lubrication.
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That's all the advice I have for now. Send your insignificant
questions and pleas for the wisdom of Konrad via the Post Office to
Editor with a subject of: Ask Konrad.