Reporter / Ask Konrad the Barbarian

I ghost penned this column for the Sablean Times quite some time ago, so I feel it is now safe to come clean with this little secret. Writing each issue was a huge amount of fun for me, and I hope for all the readers as well!

Issue #1

                        Ask Konrad the Barbarian

Hail, hearty adventurer!  It is I, Konrad the Barbarian, dispensing
straight-up advice for all.  No taking the long way 'round to gettin'
yer answers here.  Like my sword, my words are blunt and to the point.
No, wait, my sword is BIG and SHARP and to the point.  Bah!  See what
comes of thinking too much?

I know, like me, you're all busy people, so straight on to the
questions and advice!

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DEAR KONRAD: I've always wanted to be a fighter, but my parents made
me go to mage school.  What advice do you have for switching careers
into the warrior field?  --Pasty White in the Library

DEAR PASTY: Dammit, man, you've been pushed around all yer life,
haven't you?  You'll never make it as a warrior at that rate.  Give
up whilst you're still alive.  It's a good thing for you the world
needs parchment scratchers too.

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DEAR KONRAD: My girlfriend hasn't been putting out.  How do I bring up
the subject without hurting her feelings?  --Hard Up

DEAR HARD UP: Dammit, man, what's with all these namby pamby feelings?
If you're a real barbarian she'll realize she's lucky to have you for
the couple of days a year you're not out slaying evil sorcerers or
ravishing exotic queens of far away lands.  There's always a wench
in the tavern who knows a real man when she smells him.

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DEAR KONRAD: There's been a lot of debate in the fighter's guild about
the use of single-handed weapons versus two-handed weapons.  Which do
you think is better?  --Split Down the Middle

DEAR SPLIT: Dammit, man, like you should even have to do so much
thinking!  A real barbarian wields two-handed weapons with one hand!
Or better yet, real barbarians prefer THREE-handed weapons when we can
get 'em.  Maybe you and Pasty should get together for a limp-wristed
love fest.

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That's all the advice I have for now.  Send your insignificant
questions and pleas for the wisdom of Konrad via the Post Office to
Editor with a subject of: Ask Konrad.