Reporter / Ask Konrad the Barbarian

I ghost penned this column for the Sablean Times quite some time ago, so I feel it is now safe to come clean with this little secret. Writing each issue was a huge amount of fun for me, and I hope for all the readers as well!

Issue #2

                        Ask Konrad the Barbarian

Well, well.  Many have seen the wisdom of Konrad and have written
asking for advice.  Readin' and writin' never were my strong suits,
so it's good we have scholars for that.

Just like my sword, let's get straight to the heart of the matter...

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DEAR KONRAD: I want to get something nice for my girlfriend for her
birthday.  She's in the fighter's guild, but I don't understand any
of that stuff because I'm a finger-wiggling sort.  What do you suggest?
--Confounded Celebrations

DEAR CONFOUNDED: Dammit, man, get her something YOU'LL like!  That's
extra true if it's something you'd like to see her WEAR, like some
nice female platemail.  Tight metal thong, big spiral metal boob
shields, you know the drill.  It might not be comfortable, but then
again LOVE HURTS.  If it doesn't, you're not doin' it right.

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DEAR KONRAD: What's your secret to maintaining your amazing physique?
I'm sure many other warriors could benefit from a similar training
regimen.  --Health Nut

DEAR NUT: Dammit, man, either ya got it or ya don't!  And, it's as
plain as the luscious orbs on a dryad that I've got it, and grain
eating rodents like you don't.  But, if'n ya wanna follow in my
footsteps for the sheer sake of style, all it takes is excessive
amounts of wine, women, and weapons workouts.  And, if'n ya can,
combine all three at the same time.  I call it "cross-training".

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DEAR KONRAD: I'm not sure what to wear to the next King's party.  What
do you think of the "stuffing your codpiece" issue.  Is it really
necessary for that courtly image?  --Fashion Fanboy

DEAR FANBOY: Dammit, man, if you're askin' the question, then you must
need to!  A real warrior needs no more than a loin cloth to look good.
And, I hear the washer women'll handle the extra-large ones for free!
I gotta remember to check that out.

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That's all the advice I have for now.  Send your insignificant
questions and pleas for the wisdom of Konrad via the Post Office to
Editor with a subject of: Ask Konrad.