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Creative Works

Sometime ferrets can be inspiring. Below are some creative works about ferrets.

Ode To Dirt Top

Copyright 1999 by Michael Burkard

Dirt, dirt, most wonderful dirt,
How can one calculate how much you are worth?
I delightfully dig, and burrow, and scoop,
Roll, and wriggle, and romp, and scooch!

You go up my nose and into my eyes,
You fill my ears with joyful cries.
I fling you both far and wide,
I rub you on my dirt-deprived hide.

Sand and clay, dirt and dust,
Love you, love you, everyone must[elid]!
Mud and silt, gloppy, wet muck,
Gleeful-ly I dive and buck.

Earth, sweet earth, you smell so good,
If I could eat you, you know that I would.
With you smooshed in my fur all matted,
My people take me to bath -- drat it!

A Christmas Song Top

Copyright 1999 by Michael Burkard

Fer-re-tone, Fer-re-tone, Fer-re-tone all day,
Oh, what fun it is to hide my Mommy's keys away! Hey!

Dashing 'round the room, in the dark of night,
Oh, what fun it is to give the pup-py dog a bite! Ow!

Fer-re-tone, Fer-re-tone, Fer-re-tone all day,
Oh, what fun it is to drag my Daddy's shoes away! Hey!

Bells on big tree ring, giving Dad a fright,
Oh, what fun it is to dig the potted plants tonight! Hey!

Fer-re-tone, Fer-re-tone, Fer-re-tone all day,
Oh, what fun it is to hear my Mommy holler, "Hey!"

Ferret Attractions Top

Copyright 1999 by Michael Burkard

The Magnetic Attraction of Ferrets to Their People
by Professor J. Pigeon Allinamuck

[Professor J. Pigeon Allinamuck is a distinguished (rumpled), highly respected (snickered at and never invited to the really important conferences even though he finds out about them anyway), highly intelligent (absent minded) expert researcher (diddler and dabbler) in every field of science imaginable (whatever he happens to trip over in his mess of a lab). The Professor is now ready to present his theory on a matter of the utmost scientific importance.] -Ed.

[P.S. Don't tell him I added the parentheticals!] -Ed.

It is a given that people who love ferrets are attracted to them quite strongly. This relationship we all know and love since we're all already involved in it. I know I love my ferrets. Why, here's little Spectrum in my lab coat pocket now! Hi, little guy. Oh, um, yes, as I was saying, we all love our ferrets, but, what about the reverse relationship?

My proposal is that ferrets are attracted to people by these same "strong attractors." The imagery I like to use goes something like this (I like refer to it as my Magnetic Energy Equilibrium Principle, or MEEP for short):

Ferrous Metals are attracted to Magnets
Ferrets (Mustelids) are attracted to Man
Ferrets are attracted to People

The Magnetic Energy Equilibrium Principle depicts ferrets as being strongly attracted to, ah, people, like ferrous metals to magnets. Now I ask you, how can anything that follows the laws of physics so closely be wrong? What's that you say? You think that both ferrets and people are attracted to the ground? Don't be silly. We both know that the earth is flat and that the reason we can't fly like a bird is that we're too heavy! Don't get me off my subject by confusing the issue with trivia.

Now where was I? Oh, yes, ferrous mustelids and their attraction to magnetic barber poles... No, that's not it, hmm. Attraction of cats to poles called the Polecat Theory? No...Ah! Ferrets and their attraction to people! Yes, that's it, quite clear now. Upon inspecting my theory one might wonder about the cause of the attraction.

One theory bandied about rather heavily is that ferrets are attracted to people due to the types of tones that we make. As you can see, little Spectrum here has found the Ferretone that was in my other lab coat pocket, and the Linatone that I forgot to wash off my fingers from this morning. But I would submit to you that I can attract Spectrum without the use of any tones at all. Here in my right hand is a nice ripe piece of cantaloupe... Look at him come a'running! I swear he can smell a melon slice a mile off.

Just now you might be concluding, incorrectly I might add, that little Spectrum here is attracted purely by melons, or treats, or food in general. Not so! Here, if I take the melon off of the table... Hey, come back here with that, you little thief! Excuse me a moment while I chase Spectrum about the lecture hall... OW! Gotcha, you fuzzy thief, you! Uh, um, well, would you look at that. Spectrum's kissing me for all my trouble. Thank you little guy.

As I was, ah, saying, if I take away all of the treats and lock them in this cabinet over here, set Spectrum on the floor, and then start moving things about on the table, Spectrum runs right over to me, climbs my leg, over my shoulder and down on to the table. All of this just to see what I'm up to. No, Spectrum, you can't turn on the Bunsen burner. Sit still for a moment, will you? -Sigh-.

So, are we just ladders to these incredibly cute pets? I submit to you that we are not. Over here in this ferret tote is one of my other ferrets, Tera-Byte. She hasn't seen me all day long. Let's let her out and see what happens, shall we?

Look! She's headed right toward me. See how she's looking up at me as I talk to her? She's putting her little paws on my leg, "Pick me up, pick me up!" she's saying. Ooop! Here she comes on her own, right up to my shoulder to kiss me and stick her nose in my ear. Eek! That tickles! I'm glad to see you too, Tera.

Let's see now, where'd Spectrum get off to? Oh, here he is sleeping in my lab coat pocket. All that excitement earlier must've tuckered him out. And to think, he chose my pocket of all places to snuggle up and take a nap.

Gee, why do you suppose that is?


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